I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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