What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
