I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
