Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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