Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
