totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
