I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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