What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Randomize
