i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
