I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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