at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
farters have to be the big spoon...
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
