You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
i believe in u and ur pee
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
