They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
