jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
