i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
