I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
