So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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