considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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