at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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