I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
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