so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
