Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
