So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
