So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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