I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
