i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
