I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
