Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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