If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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