Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Randomize
