just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
