You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
