just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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