Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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