It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
