I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
