I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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