Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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