now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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