I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize