I'm passing your future prison.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
