once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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