so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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