There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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