He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
