highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize