why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
