I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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