I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
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