Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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