Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
