the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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