You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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