i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
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