So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
