Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
