Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
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