Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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