It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
