Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
